The week of October 5 through 10 is D.C. School Garden Week, a time when educators encourage children to set up or improve gardens at their schools, learn about healthy eating, take pictures of their plants, and see a screening of a garden documentary made by fellow school kids.
Just as I believed a farmers market near the White House would delight people of all political persuasions, one could easily assume this week would bring everyone together.
But one would be wrong.
This time, I won’t be so naïve. I will carefully consider the ramifications of putting instruments of healthy eating into the hands of children. In fact, I have already given it some thought, and come up with…
The top 5 ways the GOP will oppose School Garden Week
Reason #5: Fill a town hall meeting with small children speaking out against Squash Panels that will force vegetables onto their plates at every meal.
Reason #4: Send Dana Milbank to a participating school to tally the cost, in carbon emissions and legal fees against accusations of child exploitation, of each green bean harvested by a second-grader.
Reason #3: Launch further legislation to preserve opposite-sex marriage. It is the only way to combat this insidious movement, because it is a well-established fact that gardening, is, well, pretty darn gay.
Reason #2: Bolster the fight against tax hikes. Promoting lifelong healthy eating to reduce obesity, diabetes, and heart disease? No way is that worth redirecting hundreds of pennies of our hard-earned income toward child-sized garden tools.
Reason #1: Have Glenn Beck explain what should be plain to everyone with a brain to begin with: This is a plot to prepare school children for the anti-industrial revolution, when the great highways will empty of all food-bearing vehicles, busy deep fryers will fall silent, and our freedom-loving democracy will crumble before the rise of an utterly evil—though highly nutritious—communist regime.