The week of October 5 through 10 is D.C. School Garden Week, a time when educators encourage children to set up or improve gardens at their schools, learn about healthy eating, take pictures of their plants, and see a screening of a garden documentary made by fellow school kids.

Just as I believed a farmers market near the White House would delight people of all political persuasions, one could easily assume this week would bring everyone together.

But one would be wrong.

If you don’t believe me, check out the comments on my article about the market. And have a looky at this column.

This time, I won’t be so naïve. I will carefully consider the ramifications of putting instruments of healthy eating into the hands of children. In fact, I have already given it some thought, and come up with…

The top 5 ways the GOP will oppose School Garden Week

Reason #5: Fill a town hall meeting with small children speaking out against Squash Panels that will force vegetables onto their plates at every meal.

Reason #4: Send Dana Milbank to a participating school to tally the cost, in carbon emissions and legal fees against accusations of child exploitation, of each green bean harvested by a second-grader.

Reason #3: Launch further legislation to preserve opposite-sex marriage. It is the only way to combat this insidious movement, because it is a well-established fact that gardening, is, well, pretty darn gay.

Reason #2: Bolster the fight against tax hikes. Promoting lifelong healthy eating to reduce obesity, diabetes, and heart disease?  No way is that worth redirecting hundreds of pennies of our hard-earned income toward child-sized garden tools.

Reason #1: Have Glenn Beck explain what should be plain to everyone with a brain to begin with: This is a plot to prepare school children for the anti-industrial revolution, when the great highways will empty of all food-bearing vehicles, busy deep fryers will fall silent, and our freedom-loving democracy will crumble before the rise of an utterly evil—though highly nutritious—communist regime.