A French fry walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “No can do, man. We don’t serve food here.”

Badum-ching!

A random but potentially lucrative thought: Someone should develop squeezable peanut butter! You know, like the mayo and mustard and ketchup you can buy now? It would require just a little tinkering with the consistency (it would have to be a little thinner than traditional PB — maybe with the addition of good-for-you-coconut oil, or nutritious vitamin E oil!) and the container (something like the mayo, but with a slightly larger hole).

But imagine the advantages — no knives to wash, no schmutz to contaminate your jelly, no spreading mishaps… Food innovationists, take note!

Would you want someone to peel your child off a piece of cellophane and eat him or her bite by sticky bite? That’s what Fruit Roll-ups is suggesting. While personalized processed fruit products may have their charms, I’m not sure I’d be so into it.

Lately, I’m loving caffeine–or rather, my writing is. Give me a 16-ounce cup of coffee and I’m off to the races like a mocha-colored thoroughbred. Feed me a few dark chocolate Kisses and I’m so prolific John Updike is rising from the grave and applauding. Give me a two-shot latte and I’m so creative my ideas are having ideas.

I’m so good that I’m surprised writing competitions haven’t banned coffee as a performance-enhancing substance.

 They probably haven’t caught on yet. Shhhhh!

Stuffing myself? Not at all; I am engaging in preemptive hunger management.

I found myself wondering: are they serious?

Less protein! More fresh air! The concept of saving the world by eating less meat is going mainstream. This isn’t even an op-ed!

Strictly for work, I was cruising Oprah’s site (I was preparing this story) and found something interesting. Food voyeurs, take note: you can read everything that Oprah eats for seven days. I wonder if her personal chef is really measuring out 2 teaspoons low-fat mayo for this and 1 teaspoon olive oil for that? I don’t think I’d follow this, but it’s still interesting to read.

Aha! Here’s more for you, if my previous post isn’t enough. If you haven’t already registered at NYtimes. com, better go for it. Then check out these articles:

A friend passed along this article, which has Michael Pollan at the throat of factory farming again and looking at what “sustainable” really means.

Then there’s this one , a video/photo essay about shopdropping (the opposite of shoplifting) at a Whole Foods in NYC. I don’t have speakers on this computer, but it looks interesting. And there’s a related article.

In cooking there are no mistakes — just unplanned experiments.